Traumatic Grief Counseling and Children
This post is not like my other posts. Instead, I'm stepping into vulnerability here to share my journey and why I am so passionate about helping children who have experienced a traumatic loss. Before I am a licensed clinical social worker, therapist, and Compassionate Bereavement Care Provider, I am a person who has experienced traumatic grief. I share this with the hope that this post can help you support your child.
My journey with traumatic grief tragically began as a young teen when I lost a good friend to suicide. Later in early adulthood, I experienced losing my beloved grandparents, and a few family members, and friends. I knew grief well, it was no stranger in my life, but nothing could compare or prepare me for the devastation of traumatic loss, especially as a mother when it came to witnessing my children’s experience when suffering multiple traumatic losses.
My extended family is an interconnected tapestry that is woven together through joyous moments and unimaginable loss. We have suffered multiple child losses due to homicide, stillbirth, drowning, and overdose. These tragedies shattered our family, profoundly affecting all of us, as we all struggled to understand and cope with these traumatic incidents.
Grief Affects Everyone…
My own grief was compounded as I watched my children, husband, brother, sister, and surviving nieces and nephews struggle to cope with traumatic grief. I was struck by how differently each child in our family navigated through their grief. Their expressions of grief spanned from talking about it to shutting down and isolating, to becoming full of rage with frequent tantrums. We didn’t know where to start.
With time, loving support from family and friends, and compassionate grief counseling, they began to move forward through pain and loss but still suffered. My family learned there is no "closure" and to embrace our grief as we mourn the loss of our loved ones. Our grief brought us many other lessons over time, and while doing my own personal work, I realized the profound impact of traumatic grief in my life guided me to a place in my heart where I wanted to accompany others in their grief journey.
I continue to carry those losses close to my heart as a mother, wife, sister, and aunt, and now as a grief therapist. However, the lessons have expanded through professional training in Compassionate Bereavement Care through the MISS Foundation. Through my personal and professional journey, this is what I have learned…
No two experiences with grief are the same. However, I wholeheartedly believe in the validity of each person's unique journey with the loss of their loved one, whether it's a grandparent, friend, or family pet. And it's crucial to be aware of the significant differences when it is traumatic grief especially for a child who has lost a parent, or sibling to an untimely or horrific death.
What is traumatic grief?
According to expert, Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, traumatic grief differs from "grief" in that, it is unexpected or may involve the suffering of a loved one. For instance, violent homicide is particularly traumatic. Second, untimely deaths, such as the death of a child, are recognized as "hardest to bear." Even grief from a long illness such as cancer, in which the person suffered, can also be classified as traumatic. (Cacciatore, SELAH workbook 2013) Grief work left undone can often become Traumatic Grief, manifesting many symptoms similar to trauma and PTSD.
Common misconceptions about grief
Grief is linear
The bereaved will move through the five stages of grief
Time heals the bereaved
The bereaved don’t want to talk about their beloved
Getting rid of reminders helps; encourage only good memories.
The five stages of grief, as described by Elizabeth Kübler Ross, were developed through her work with dying patients, not from research with those grieving traumatic loss (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Traumatic grief research is based on the documentation of work with many families; it promotes a model in which grief is validated rather than rejected and fluid rather than linear.
Children and traumatic grief
Children who have lost a loved one traumatically may lose their sense of security and develop significant trauma symptoms related to the death of an attachment figure (e.g., parent or sibling) or another important person. In a family suffering grief, children may be overlooked or "invisibilized." (Cacciatore, Bearing the Unbearable p.23) This can happen as the adults in the family grapple with their grief, or even in a social setting, where adults are not comfortable discussing grief.
Children need to be supported to express their pain and feel their loneliness, rage, and loss. However, some children may not show signs that they are in pain; caregivers need to be mindful of a child's signals. In addition, grief is different from depression, and grieving is not meant to be experienced in isolation. Without this support, children may develop symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress or behavioral issues. Even when a child has all the right things in place, they may still need traumatic grief counseling.
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network describes difficulties that children may experience during traumatic childhood grief if this process is not supported or validated:
Intrusive memories about the death. These can appear through nightmares, guilt, or self-blame about how the person died or recurrent or intrusive thoughts about the horrifying manner of death.
Avoidance and numbing. These may be manifested by withdrawal, the child acting as if not upset, or the child avoiding reminders of the person, the way she or he died, or the event that led to the death.
Physical or emotional symptoms of increased arousal. These can include irritability, anger, tantrums, trouble sleeping, decreased concentration, drop in grades, stomach aches, headaches, increased vigilance, and fears about safety for oneself or others.
Other responses children may experience:
Shock and denial
Sleep disturbances
Fear of being alone
Regressive behavior
Sadness, confusion, or shame
Loss of interest in daily activities
Making statements of wanting to join the deceased
“In all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other.” - Carl Sagan
How parents and caregivers can support
The presence of a loving adult is critical to healing traumatic grief, whether the child has lost a parent, sibling, or friend. It is important for adults to accept and talk to children about his/her feelings.
It is important to be sensitive to the signals children give us as they can get mislabeled as "acting out" for no reason, as it's easy to miss a child's signs because they can't communicate their pain the way an adult can. This is especially true for children who have no conscious memory of a traumatic loss. However, it is only natural that a child would internalize their family's grief. When parents and caregivers are struggling with their own grief, it makes it easy to overlook the struggles of younger family members.
Caregivers and parents need to avoid platitudes or silver linings that invalidate the child's feelings like, "God needed another angel," or "they're in a better place, so don't be sad" or anything that starts with “at least.” A common pitfall for parents and caregivers when a child is experiencing big feelings is to respond with something like, "you're okay.” Although this may sound innocuous, it minimizes the child's emotional experience and may leave the child feeling alone and confused. It’s important to help your child accept their sadness, rage, longing, and hurt and to remember these feelings are a natural response to an abnormal experience.
Tips to Keep in Mind with Kids
Often, a child might say they're fine, holding their pain inside, which then may manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches, etc. Some children might not show signs of grief until several years have passed. Your child may seem fine, and suddenly begin to manifest tumultuous symptoms. Collaborating with a family counselor can avoid overlooking a child's needs, allowing their emotions to become explosive.
Activities to support grieving children:
Humming, which helps calm the nervous system
Using an ice pack can help them calm down
Taking walks, being in nature
Blowing bubbles (helps the child focus on deep breaths)
Spending time with animals or even a family pet.
Charity in your beloved's name
It is essential to keep connected: holding family dinners, hikes, and game nights.
Remembering your beloved’s favorite meals is fun and helps us celebrate and feel connected.
Random acts of kindness in memory of my family members. The MISS organization makes cards explaining that this is a way of remembering loved ones.
How Grief and Loss Therapy in Phoenix, AZ Can Help
When support and other interventions have not helped, it is vital to work with a counselor specializing in traumatic grief. As a certified grief therapist and Compassionate Bereavement Care® provider, I can help your child address their trauma, help with feelings of guilt, self-blame, and interpersonal relationships.
Grief is a natural and healthy reaction to loss. Grief counseling should not pathologize grief with a diagnosis. Grief counseling in Phoenix, AZ can help your child learn how to cope with grief and have a relationship with their grief, keeping their relationship with their beloved. A compassionate approach to grief is accepting, empathetic and mindful, and begins by validating the feelings of the bereaved. This validation and acceptance allow those grieving to live a mindful integrated life with their grief, recognizing the validity of their grief and the many emotions that accompany the grieving process. Your child can learn how to cope with their overwhelming loss and have a relationship with their grief, keeping their relationship with their beloved.
As a result of traumatic grief counseling, your child can:
Increase self-regulation
Learn and use coping skills to help with their ups and downs
Help parents create rituals for children to connect with their beloved and their grief
And help a child with previous issues that were compounded by traumatic grief.
Begin Grief Counseling in Phoenix, AZ for Continued Support!
Kids handle grief and loss very differently, but they do recognize when life changes and people are no longer present. Talking about these tough topics early on, matters to help your child deal with traumatic grief. If your family is struggling with the loss of a loved one either expected, traumatizing, or unexpected, then it may be time to get support. I can offer family therapy sessions along with therapy for children, teens, and tweens. Begin working through loss as a family and start find a new norm that makes sense to you all. In therapy, you will work with me, Tahirih Herrera, your grief therapist, either in-person or via online therapy in Phoenix, AZ. Follow these simple steps to get started in traumatic grief counseling:
Meet with Tahirih, a skilled, grief therapist
Begin healing and finding a new norm that works for your loved ones.
Other Counseling and Mental Health Services specialties Tahirih Herrera, LCSW provides:
Grief counseling is a space for you to heal and develop coping mechanisms for you and your family to use. However, as a trauma therapist, I offer a wide range of services that you may find useful. As people seasons change and life looks different depending on where you are. Therefore I can serve you and your loved ones through many services. I offer therapy for adults, teens, children, and preteens. If you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, trauma, and grief and loss therapy. I can help you through brain spotting, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, or Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy. All these services are available via online therapy in Arizona. Therefore, while I’m based in Phoenix, you can begin counseling online whether you live in Tucson, Mesa, Chandler, Scottsdale, or anywhere in the state. Confidence, happiness, and joy are not out of you or your child's reach. When you’re ready begin traumatic grief counseling in Phoenix, AZ.
Therapy Resources
The MISS program provides various support groups and resources for families and children:
A kaleidoscope of Grief (an interactive book for grieving children by Dr. Joann Cacciatore)
Selah House and Care Farm
New Song (Hospice of the Valley)
Books for children:
The Fall of Freddy the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
Finding Your Own Way to Grieve by Karla Helbert
Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert
Other websites & resources related to grief:
Learn more about Dr. Cacciatore’s work and Selah Carefarm
Learn about Selah House and Carefarm on the special series, by Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry, “The Me You Can’t See: A Path Forward”